Planning

I gotta have a plan.  I really need direction.  I don't 'exist' very well at all.  I have an engine in my head that can't let me just sit and rest.  At least, not without tremendous guilt and self-berating.  Gotta figure out what to do and get it done.  It's always been that way.

So, tomorrow is shop day, I hope.  I have that chuck to finish up.  Then there is the dividing head to finish cleaning as well.   After that....

I've got to get this lot wired and work out an attachment for the dividing head.  I've got a wacky idea for LinuxCNC on one of the ancient abacus based laptops I have.  I didn't buy the dividing head to do this, but it sort of popped up shortly after.  I wonder if I can duplicate a universal head with this setup?

 

I still have the two casting kits as well.  Important family issues jumped to the head of the line.  Almost complete with those.  But it's getting close to time for these projects to come back up.

I posted a bit of personal thoughts below the fold.  Sit in the parlor and visit if you want.

 Wishes and Dreams

Over time, you learn things.  For as long as I can remember, life was running full tilt boogie.  It was hard to take time to think about the deep things.  Patterns stand out to me.  They leap out, actually.  I tend to make pretty quick judgements when the patterns show themselves. 

Over time, you can even learn things about yourself.  My personal patterns were harder to see.  I was too close to them, to really see anything but the shadow of them.  Until 2020...

In April 2020, I hit my head.  My quick reflexes betrayed me.  They mistook a branch tickling my ear as danger, and recoiled my head into the corner edge of a sheet of plywood.  Concussion, months of recovery.

That was the exit ramp from my normal life into where I am now.  It has been one of the greatest gifts the Creator has given me, apart from His Son, my Redeemer.  It started me on the path to understanding better who I am.  I've learned some whats, and whys, too.  

I always planned to do big things.  But I rarely made headway.  The most difficult thing to actually do was what I planned on.  I never had time to understand that.  But I understand now.  There are quirks of personality that come up when you are learning to live among other humans.  Ways to cope with family, friends, or even yourself.  If you don't have time to grow out of them, they will follow you until you take the time.  Getting married at 19 didn't give me much room to get out of some childhood coping issues.  Some of those still require much work to overcome.  But knowing about them gets them into view and out of the shadows. 

One of the things I've found out is planning without action is a wish, a dream.  I did a lot of that.  Makes me kind of sick inside to think about those past years, mostly without progress (pilot license, a small farm).  But I also learned you are never too old to become the man you are supposed to be.  Today really is the first day of the rest of your life.  I still hate that saying...  Two years of inactivity should be a warning to stop wasting time and get after it or drop it.

After I got pneumonia last year and lost a lot of lung function, more time to think.... inactivity. Been on the injured reserve list for 18 months now.  More time to reflect and study.  Time to learn and hopefully grow up some.  It hasn't been easy or fun.  Finding out you think like a kid in some areas is embarrassing.  One thing I remember from my first real mentor:  It's not bad to have fleas.  It's bad to KEEP them.  It's not bad to think like a kid, but it's bad to keep thinking like one, especially when you realize there is a better way. 

I've had to face some really stupid decisions I've made.  I've had to face the fact I can only do what I can do.  I can't make anyone do anything.  Even if I think it's the best thing for them.  Adults get to adult.  I found out I have an over grown responsibility gene.  If I find something that needs doing, I do it.  It made me a goto guy at home and at work.  When you can't do much, folks will find another goto guy. If that's your only identity...  I saw that eat my dad.  Thankfully, I haven't been completely useless.  A lot of my identity is being useful, somehow, to someone.  I always had too many irons in the fire, so I've been able to do some less physical work to stay busy. 

I've had to reconcile  myself to losing the most important family relationship you can have.  I'll have some grieving to do when that paperwork is done.  I can feel it (in my cells).  But I can only do what I can do.  I can't make anyone do anything, even if I think it's in their best interest.  

It's been kind of a perfect storm.  Head injury made me study to find what I broke, only to discover why I am like I am.  Being physically limited made me slow down and really think about who I am and whats what.  The old plans I had for the future are gone now.  It's almost like I have a clean slate a fresh start.  Truly, old things are passed away, behold, everything is new.

How many people get a gift like that?  

Happy Christmas to all four of my faithful readers.  Thanks for coming by the shop to visit.